I’m not an overtly political person, but anyone who knows me likely knows what level of esteem I hold most politicians in. If we are going from a scale of one to ten, with one being lowly buffoons and ten being noble paragons of virtue, I would estimate most politicians are twats. They are smugly slipping off the bottom end of the scale, looking up and wishing they were buffoons. And as the country progresses into further disarray, politicians are getting my attention.
I realize I haven’t written anything for a while. I have been lying dormant like a sleeping grouchy misanthrope waiting for something to poke me until I retaliate with an unfettered barrage of verbal bile. That day has come and Keith Vaz MP, your number has been called. Congratulations, you woke me from my slumber and I am not a morning person. You are first on my list.
The other day Mr Vaz tabled a motion in the House of Commons condemning Activision’s Modern Warfare 3 for its violence. Namely how the game allows users to commit acts of violence against the public and its striking similarity to the London terror attacks.
I will attack both points logically from an informed viewpoint, one I should add Keith does not hold. Having played these games, I can firmly state that both of his claims are filled with more crap than an episode of The Only Way is Essex. Unsurprisingly Keith Vaz, who I shall herein refer to as Muggins, has zero grounding to his claims. You cannot shoot the public to my eternal dismay and the acts in the game are a long way from resembling the London attacks in 2005.
Muggins sir, you are a gullible twonk. I get the impression you believe what anyone tells you, so I shall be writing his office a few anonymous letters to “inform” him of other gaming crimes. I hear that the Mario game series perpetuates mafia stereotypes and promotes drug use, predominantly mushrooms. I also hear that the game Bomberman is a terrorist training regime in disguise. Worst of all, the Just Dance 2 game on the Wii has subliminal messages that make you like Justin Bieber.
I believe politicians have more pressing issues on their hands in this global crisis climate. Why then Muggins, do you feel it worthy of wasting time in parliament condemning a video game that you have never played in your life? Were you jilted at the alter by a bride who didn’t turn up to the wedding because she was too busy fragging noobs in a Team Deathmatch? Maybe politicians could spend their time better by trying to not financially screw the country? It’s just a suggestion.
I know the public sector are mighty impressed by the governments current efforts. Curious George Osborne must calculate his figures like a baby who has been given an abacus, “if we moves da purple beady to da left…. There, country iz fixed. I want cake now”. I’m pretty sure that must be his method, nothing else can explain the farcical attempts at balancing our economy.
David Cameron described the public sector strikes as “a damp squib”. I don’t even really know what a damp squib is, but I’m sure our fine Prime Minister needs to look no further than a mirror to discover its meaning. I wouldn’t describe two million people uniting to go on strike a minor issue, but then again, these politicians can screw up numbers into the billions. Thinking about it, two million “commoners” going on strike probably won’t affect them as they decide which one of their homes they want to go home to tonight.
While I am ranting, I will raise the issue of the Leveson Inquiry being overseen by Lord Justice Leveson, or MC Levy as he is known on the clubbing scene. I am delighted that the inquiry has been commissioned and I truly hope that some real change can come as a result. But the worst thing is, every day new and seedy details are announced in the Inquiry yet, we can no longer be surprised by the revelations. We have become so desensitized by the events in the past few months that it didn’t really come as a surprise when told that a journalist “doorstepping” his target drove his car repeatedly at an elderly woman to intimidate her or when some gutter trash journo tried to get to JK Rowling through her 5 year old daughter while at school.
There is some good journalism in this country, but the integrity of the profession is being dragged through the mud by people with the morals of a sex offender. I’m not sure if it is in the public interest for tabloid journalists to hound the mother of Hugh Grant’s baby, in fact I will correct myself, it most definitely is not in the public interest. Maybe it is payback for the fact that Hugh Grant was the one who broke the media hacking scandal into the public domain. The only thing that is abundantly clear is that the Press can no longer regulate themselves, it’s like putting Muggins as head developer of the next Grand Theft Auto game or David Cameron in charge of our country.
I feel the need to bring the mood up after such banter, so it is lucky that yesterday there was an accident on the M1. Normally I don’t say yippee for accidents, but this was an overturned lorry with precious cargo. 20 tonnes of Marmite spilled out covering the motorway with delicious yeast extract. I was very tempted to make my way northbound on the M1 with a few hundred empty containers to stock up, that stuff lasts for ages and has serious longevity to its shelf life. Love it or hate it, Marmite is sodding expensive! And they say that oil is the black gold and as someone who doesn’t drive, I beg to differ. Time for some toast.