Trick or Treat

Originally posted Wednesday, 4th November 2009

All around the country you may have noticed the seasonal decorations glimmering haughtily over our high streets and in our stores. I have no problem with festive spirit and feel the need to say, I am definitely no Scrooge. However I find it hard to stomach all this before October’s end. There is still a full month before December even begins, but more importantly, my birthday still hasn’t passed. After I have celebrated my little wriggly self being brought kicking and screaming into this world, only then can I start thinking about our chance of a white Christmas.

Not the white Christmas Nick Griffin is hoping for though. You may have been one of the eight million viewers who tuned into Question Time last week, but I found myself a little disappointed by the level of “debate”. For at least half of the show, the panellists and audience were simply standing in line to take a pop at ol’ Griffo. Not that he doesn’t deserve it; I just feel more good would have been done had people focussed their questions on revealing the BNP’s ridiculous policies. That being said, much respect to the guy directing his question at “Dick Griffin”. I could see his friends at home dealing out high-fives all round! Another valuable lesson learned from the show was to never make Jack Straw smile. Ever again. Did you see those teeth? Most people would have to spend two hours in a Hollywood make up studio to get teeth that yellow. Still, we have a few more classic sound bites from Mr Ice Age Great Britain to take away with us. Such classics as the “non-violent KKK” member and “I am the most loathed man in Britain”, he unquestionably has a flair for the ridiculous and bleeding obvious, respectively.

Moving to something marginally more topical, it was Halloween recently. A quick message to the trick or treaters who doused our door with eggs. Those eggs were vastly more expensive than the penny sweets we didn’t have to give to you. Just a little lesson to our future bankers there, and that advice was free! Don’t expect any future assistance or bailouts though. What was much more trick than treat for me this Halloween was my unfortunate first exposure to the X Factor. More precisely, the talent vacuum of the Jedward muppets. I am able to exude more musical prowess using my ears. It is a well regarded fact that the most entertaining part of the X Factor is the first few audition shows that ruthlessly displays the hopeless fools who don’t stand a chance at winning to us all. I cannot fathom how the duo passed that stage. Also, should this year’s Christmas number one be an X Factor “winner” once again, I will put out a contract on the heads of all the shows producers and judges. This relentless attack on our music industry must cease! Regardless, I only managed to suffer about ten minutes of the show before the venom rapidly building in my gut burst and I was forced to turn it off. Is it some sort of national prank aimed at Simon Cowell, keeping that toilet brush headed pair in? Having witnessed them massacre a Queen classic, I think it’s time their time on the show was abruptly ended.

Talking about abrupt endings.

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